10 September 2011


We've been trying to move for more than 3 years now.  The end is finally in sight.  I commute nearly 2 hours each way every day.  This has gone on since September 2009.  For a year and a half Before that my commute was a brisk hour and a half each way.  And for most of that time I worked two jobs.  Lawyer by day and teacher by night.

It has taken its toll. 

On me. On Sarah.  And most worrisomely, on Cooper and Dexter.

You don't notice with Dexter.  Not yet anyway.  He remains his mommy's son.  His demands of his father are easily met.  I watch his new feat.  I dole out hugs on demand.  I change diapers when mommy is for some reason not allowed. 

I cannot know what the full effect is on Cooper.  There was a period when he simply didn't understand that I lived at what he thought of as his mom's house with him and Dexter.  He would ask me if I was going to sleep over on a given night.  I tried to explain, but when I left before he woke up on Tuesday and did not return home each night until after he went to bed not to see him again until Thursday or Friday night at times, it was hard for him to comprehend.

My boys are funny.  And smart.  And sweet.  And Cooper is emotional.  Sometimes too emotional.  Almost, what you might describe as unstable.  He gets worked up and can't relax.  Moves beyond the point of no return.  You can see it coming from a mile away.  We try to remain calm.  We try to be constant.  But we are too at the end of our ropes.  Sometimes we snap.  Sometimes we yell.  And we know he doesn't really understand.

I am looking forward to moving.  I hope that when I sleep at night, I'll be able to be closer to the father I want to be.  I hope that with the free time I will gain, I will be a better dad, a better husband, and a better lawyer.  Most of all I hope I'll give Cooper whatever it is he needs to feel more secure.  More constant.  More stable. 

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